


To Feel

by HandsOffMyAppleJuice



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barbara "Barb" Holland Lives, Bisexual Steve Harrington, F/F, F/M, Gen, Good Babysitter Steve Harrington, Good Parent Jim "Chief" Hopper, Good Parent Joyce Byers, Heavy Angst, Hurt Steve Harrington, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Steve Harrington, Period-Typical Homophobia, Protective Jim "Chief" Hopper, Relationships to be disclosed - Freeform, Season/Series 01, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Steve Harrington-centric, The Upside Down
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22203442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandsOffMyAppleJuice/pseuds/HandsOffMyAppleJuice
Summary: Steve Harrington thought he had a good life. He won’t say perfect because he has a huge ass secret. He’s bisexual. And in Hawkins, that’s not a good thing. Steve knows that but he finds himself in a situation that leaves him mentally and emotionally scarred. Then shit goes flying with the Byers kid going missing.Trigger Warnings: Depression, homophobia, severe bullying, cutting, abuse, minor drinking, cursing
Relationships: Jonathan Byers & Steve Harrington, Joyce Byers & Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington & Dustin Henderson, Steve Harrington & Everyone, Steve Harrington & Jim "Chief" Hopper, Steve Harrington & The Party, Will Byers & Steve Harrington
Comments: 5
Kudos: 90





	1. Prologue

Steve never thought he’d find himself in this situation. No friends, no family, nowhere to go besides his house and school, practically nothing. Not even feelings. Just an emotionless, broken kid sitting on a diving board of the Harrington’s pool, not caring that his pants, shoes and socks were getting wet. He can’t consider this his home. “Home is where the heart is,'' right? Then why does he feel like he doesn’t even have a heart?

Everything is and will be wrong. Everything was right. Almost. He was the King of Hawkins High. Now he was worse than where Jonathan was. People still knew him, yes. But not like a king anymore. A flea. That’s what he was now.

_ “Poor Stevie can’t bear being last now?” _

_ “What a sad loser.” _

_ “Freak.” _

_ “Fag.” _

That’s right. He was gay and everyone knew. He doesn’t know how it happened but he was pretty sure it was his father's fault. They were arguing a few months ago and Steve let it slip that he was gay but still liked girls. He didn’t know what to call that but everyone called it gay so he went with that. Either way, his mother was shocked and his father went into an anger fueled frenzy. Steve was locked in his bedroom that night with bruises on his face.

Now he was sitting on the diving board next to the pool with the razor blade gripped in his hand, his knuckles white and shaking. He’s scared. Should he do this? He doesn’t want to die yet, even though he has nothing to live for. He doesn’t want to be called a depressed fuck or something else just as worse at school. But he deserves this, right? He did stupid shit before. He made fun of people, treated some of them like gum under his shoe. He drank and the whole “liking guys but still liking girls” thing. He used the empty hand to brush away the stream of tears falling down his cheeks.

He took a deep inhale as he made up his mind. He took the blade and dragged it along his wrist, cutting through his flesh. He hissed in pain and watched as the blood trailed down his thin arm and into the water below. He stared at the drop, now spreading in the water, with hollow eyes. He was about to make another cut when the lights flickered out. He looked up for the first time and with the little natural light there, he saw a shadow looming over him. He turned around and saw a hideous creature. He barely opened his mouth to scream when he knew no more.


	2. Chapter 1

**Hawkins, Indiana**

**Monday, October 17, 1983**

**20 days before Will Byers’ disappearance**

Steve was having a great day. He was flirting with some girls that morning before his calculus class, which he never went to, then went to gym class (secretly checking out the other guys, which was fine by him as long no one knew). Tommy managed to sneak in some bottled beer. Sure it was shitty beer but it was beer. He was a little buzzed through his English and History class but who cares? Not him. But the teachers eyed him throughout the class periods, as if daring him to do something. He almost gave one the finger. But he was sane enough to not do so. After school he hung out with Tommy and Carol again. He didn’t really like them all that much but they were his friends. Kinda. But who cares? He doesn’t.

But everything got flipped upside down that evening. He saw his parent’s car was in the driveway so it was one of those rare moments of them being home. Steve went inside and nothing was off. His mother said hello to him while his father only glanced at him. Just the usual. He went up to his bedroom to do some homework for once (he didn’t want his parents to be disappointed with him for not doing it). At 5:30, his mother knocked at the door.

“Steve, honey. Dinner’s ready.”

“Okay, I’ll be right down.”

He heard her walk away and placed his pencil down. His history homework was interesting but he just didn’t get it. When he went down to the dining room, his parents were already sitting down and serving themselves the meatloaf and mashed potatoes his mother made. Mrs. Harrington smiled as her son sat down and passed the meatloaf to him. Once it was a silent few minutes at the table, she decided to break it.

“So Steve, how have you been since we were last here?”

“Oh I’ve been fine. Just the usual.”

“Surely you must’ve done something interesting.”

“Not really.”

“Got a job yet?”

There was a pause after his father suddenly spoke. Steve swallowed his food in a thick gulp, feeling his throat get tight.

“I haven’t. But I’ve been busy with studying.”

That just got a scoff from the elder man, earning a glare from his wife. They continued eating, the clicks of silverware against the dishes filling the silence.

“How about a girlfriend? Anyone catch your eye?”

Steve smiled slightly. “No. I haven’t found one that I’m interested in.”

“What, you too good for them? Or are they too good for you?” Mr. Harrington spoke up again.

“Charles!”

“What? It’s the truth. It seems that he only dates girls off and on, the same ones at that, and they all seem bad. All the good ones are ones that are too good for him.”

“Or maybe I’m not allowed to date the ones I’m interested in.”

Mr. Harrington turned to Steve. He didn’t show he was afraid of his father but deep down, he was.

“What. Do. You mean?”

Steve knew he was in deep shit right now. But he couldn’t go back now. It was bound to come out eventually.

“What if I take the meaning of ‘there’s none that I’m interested in’ seriously? What if I just don’t like girls in general? Huh?”

He let that sink in. He saw his mother open her mouth slightly in shock when she realized the meaning out of the corner of his eye. She must’ve noticed him looking at her because she started mouthing, “No, Steve.” But he focused back on his father. The man was giving a cold glare at Steve.

“Are you saying you are one of them? A fucking fag?”

Steve’s eyes widened a bit. His father was an asshole but he never cursed. If he was, then this was much worse than he thought. Mr. Harrington slowly stood up and walked over to the other end of the table where Steve was sitting. 

“Charles…” Mrs. Harrington whispered, “Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

The man looked at Steve when he replied, “I regret letting this mistake be born.”

He quickly grabbed Steve by his shirt and started dragging him to the teen’s bedroom. Mrs. Harrington shrieked and her son yelled in shock. Steve tried fighting off his father but the man’s grip wasn’t relenting. Steve tried to figure out how to get out and once they got to the staircase, he managed to jerk around enough for the fist to let go of his shirt but wasn’t able to get far. Since he fell over, he tried to get up but was met with a slap to the face. He was back on the floor at his father’s feet.

“Stop fighting if you know what’s good for you!” 

Steve winced and turned to look at his mother, hoping with all of his hope that she would help him but she was standing a few feet away from them, hands covering her face, streams of tears falling. This was when he realized that no one can fight against Charles Harrington. The man was too terrifying. He was pulled up by the shirt and continued being dragged to his bedroom. His father tossed him in the room. Before shutting the door, he said, “Stay there. You’ll leave when I allow you.”

With that, the door slammed behind him. Steve sat on the floor, absorbing what had happened within the last hour. God… had he fucked up that badly? He felt his eyes get wet but he couldn’t let them fall. Harringtons were supposed to be strong, not weak. He shakily got up then changed for bed. As he laid down in the dark room, he prayed that his parents would leave on another business trip soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for doing this to Steve. But plot reasons...? There’ll be worse to come so be warned.


	3. Chapter 2

**Hawkins, Indiana**

**Friday, October 21, 1983**

**16 days before Will Byers’ disappearance**

Apparently this shit decided to happen when there wasn’t a business trip planned for a few days. So he was stuck with his parents when he went home. He couldn’t up and disappear. He had nowhere to go. His schedule now consisted of him waking up at five in the morning and getting ready for school, his father dropping him off at the high school, having to  _ actually _ do school, try to be a good kid in an attempt to get on his father’s good side, get picked up by the man and be locked in his room until morning. Luckily he had a bathroom connected to his bedroom so he could go there whenever he needed.

It seems his mother was on his side. She made sure to sneak him good food since the first few days he was served cold leftovers or microwaveable food that wasn’t microwaved. 

For the first time in a long while, he had all of his homework finished. That made his life feel like it was together for five minutes. He even had his room cleaned last night. Now those five minutes felt like twenty. 

Right now, he was standing at the front of the school, watching as his father drives away. A hand slapped down on his back, startling him out of his thoughts. He turned to see Tommy smirking at him, Carol trailing behind him.

“Yo, Stevie. Where have you been? Been ditching us for a girl?”

Steve internally winced. “No. My parents are home for once and they want me to spend time with them while they’re here.”

The two of them seem to have bought the lie but Tommy persisted. “Come on, I bet they’ll let you just give up one night with friends.”

When Steve shook his head no, Tommy frowned. “What, are you being a Momma's boy now? Playing catch with your daddy? Come on, at least skip first period.”

“I’m telling you, I can’t. If my parents find out, I’ll get in really big trouble.”

Tommy huffed in frustration and was about to say something but Carol put her hand on his shoulder. “Come on. He’s not gonna hang out.”

The two of them walked away. Steve entered the school, feeling eyes on his back. But he continued through the crowded hallway to his calculus class. He wasn’t watching where he was going and practically crashed into Jonathan Byers, almost knocking them to the ground, but Jonathan’s stuff did make contact with the ground. 

“Shit, sorry.”

Steve quickly bent down to pick up Jonathan’s stuff. He put it in a hasty pile, vaguely noticing that they were pictures, before giving them back to their owner and quickly walking off. He didn’t see the odd looks that the other boy was giving him along with the small crowd he attracted. Finally, he arrived at the classroom and sat in the back. The teacher welcomed him and didn’t acknowledge him at all afterwards. The classroom was silent until the bell rang, sending a flow of students to fill the other seats. 

At the end of the lesson, Steve waited for most of the students before walking out.

“Harrington.”

Steve turned to face his teacher. “Yes, Mr. Stevens?”

“I need to speak with you. I’ll give you a pass for your next class so don’t worry.”

Steve nodded and went to stand in front of the desk separating the two males. He stood there awkwardly while Mr. Stevens finished making a pile of papers neat. The elder clasped his hands in front of him and looked at Steve.

“I noticed a change in your behavior recently. You skip this class on a daily basis, really only coming only to take tests and fail those tests. But you’re trying and showing up. I just wanted to say that’s a welcome change but is there a reason behind this?”

Steve thought about telling him of what was happening at his home for a minute but decided, “No. I just thought I’d try not to fail.”

Mr. Stevens smiled. “Good. I’m glad to hear. I’ll give you a pass, just give me a second.”

**Harrington Household**

**5:13 PM**

Steve was playing Queen on his speakers quietly in his room, sitting on his bed. He accidentally had the volume high the other day and his father shouted at him and almost hit him. He managed to find some books in the bottom of his closet and decided to read those to pass the time for now. He completely forgotten that he had a thing for wanting to read Stephen King.

He was in the middle of reading  _ Pet Sematary _ when he heard footsteps come up to his door. The sound of a lock being, well, unlocked was heard on the other side and opened up to show his father. Mr. Harrington was about to say something but realized what was playing.

“Will you shut that goddamn music off?”

Steve hastily went to shut it off and stood there, waiting for what the man came to say. He watched as the other pressed his fingers to his forehead in what seemed like disappointment.

“Steve, about the other night… I just… I want to know if this whole… thing is just a phase you’re going through. It’s not right for a man to be loving another man… much less a  _ Harrington _ . You can’t do that to the family. What if this got out, huh? This could ruin my career.”

Steve looked up from his silent fuming at the last sentence. He knew that these feelings were there since he was in elementary school but only figured them out a few years prior. But this man is selfish. Who cares about their fucking job more than their own child?

“No, this isn’t a phase. I’ve known I liked boys since I was like, six. But why do you care more about our reputation, no,  _ your _ reputation more than your own son?! How about my happiness?! Do you care about me at all? Huh?!”

“Don’t talk to me in that tone!” He exhaled loudly through his teeth before continuing, “You are a disappointment to this family. For that… you need to learn your lesson. We’ve been going too easy on you.”

Again, Steve was grabbed by the scruff of the shirt and dragged out of his room. Of course, Steve’s mother walked out of the master bedroom at that time.

“Ch-Charles! What are you doing?!”

“Teaching this bastard a lesson.”

She stepped forward to try and help Steve but with a look from Mr. Harrington, she backed down. Steve had learned not to fight against his father but he hated this. Hated him. But when he realized he was being forced into the hallway closet at the end of the hallway, he tried fighting back. He was strong but not that strong apparently. His head banged on the wall behind him and the door slammed shut. Steve didn’t have that much room, half of it being taken up by shelves and the remainder by himself. He rubbed his now throbbing head when he heard his mother’s muffled voice through the door.

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because something is wrong in his head!”

“But that doesn’t mean to lock him up!”

“I do what needs to be done!”

“I should report you to the police!”

“If you did, what would you do? You didn’t finish college and he’s not doing squat to get a job. Tell me, Linda… what would you do?”

Steve could tell by the silence that the man had won this argument. He sat in silence for a long time, getting somewhat comfortable in this tight space. God… this had really all gone to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems like the story is going too quickly or I mess up the timeline at all. I’ve only started the show a few weeks ago and started the second season a week ago.


	4. Chapter 3

**Hawkins, Indiana**

**Monday, October 24, 1983**

**13 days before Will Byers’ disappearance**

Steve felt awful. He was so hungry, having only one meal over the weekend, and exhausted from sleeping in a fetal position for a few hours at a time, also leaving him sore. There were a few stares in the hallway but he just ignored them. He noticed Nancy Wheeler glance at him. Before he would’ve been glad she noticed him since he was attracted to her but with everything going on… he guessed he lost that attraction or something.

“Hey Harrington!”

Steve barely turned around before someone slammed him into the lockers, sending more pain though his back. He looked to see who his attacker was. Tommy H. was looking at him with a mix of fury and disgust. 

“You’ve been trying to turn me into a freak? Have ya?”

Disoriented by the sudden action and question, Steve just said, “What?”

“Been trying to turn me into a fucking fag?!”

At Steve’s shocked expression, Tommy smirked and said, “Yeah I know. I know that you’re a fag. A bigger freak than Byers even!”

The crowd that was growing around the two started talking among themselves about the new prospect of the Steve Harrington being gay. With no response from Steve, Tommy shoved him into the lockers again.

“Not denying it, huh? Then I guess it is true.”

With that, he pushed his former friend to the ground and spat at his face.

“Freak.”

When he turned around, the crowd parted for Tommy to get to Carol. People stared at Steve, making his world seem so incredibly small. He felt like he couldn’t breath. Thankfully, the students walked off when the bell rang. Steve got himself up on shaky legs and walked to Mr. Stevens’ class.

**Hawkins High School**

**Friday, October 28, 1983**

**9 days before Will Byers’ disappearance**

Steve pushed through the groups surrounding him. It was suffocating, how they shouted all those slurs to him or just gave him dirty looks.

“Is that the fag? He looks  _ so _ pathetic.”

“Freakazoid!”

“Don’t come near me, freak!”

By this time, the whole school, probably the whole town knew about his sexual orientation. Some teachers would ignore him completely, with the exception of the art teacher and Mr. Stevens but even then, the calculus teacher kept himself distant and wasn’t doing the regular greeting and check up with his student. The students were worse. The constant flow of insults and beat up sessions filled up his passing periods as well as before and after school.

Right now he needed a space to just  _ breath _ . Now he understood what some of the kids he bullied went through. Those kids seemed to have it out for him, to have their payback. But only one of them didn’t take that opportunity to get back at him. Jonathan Byers. Steve would’ve thought the other teen would take this chance to do the same but… it never came. He saw the boy a few times since Monday but never spoke with him.

He found a door that was slightly ajar and rushed to it. He widened it enough and slipped through, slamming the door shut. Silence. He never knew that he would love it. He used to hate the silence, fueled by the constant chatter of people who admired him and wanted to be him. When he was home alone, he’d blast some music or just sleep. It’s strange how so many things can change in a short span of time. 

After taking a few deep breaths to calm his nerves, he turned on the lights, which were red for some reason, and looked at the room he was in. It was an odd one. It had a few desks with trays on them and other equipment that he didn’t know what their uses were for. On the walls were papers clipped to strings with images on them. Walking closer, Steve could see that these were photographs. That explained the red lights, as he had a small amount of knowledge of how pictures were developed. 

Since he wasn’t going to be doing anything for his second class period (gym was a nightmare with the other guys finding reasons to hit him), he decided to look around. The pictures ranged on subjects. Some were landscapes, still life, or of a person. He looked at them and was just amazed by the photographers’ skills. Even though they were just black and white images, he could imagine the beauty of sunsets frozen for memory. When he got to a section starring people, he recognized a lot of them, saying that they were mostly taken in the school. He saw a lot of the younger Byers and Ms. Byers. His fingers ghosted over one when he realized these were Jonathan’s pictures. 

He felt like this was invasive and should stop looking but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Looking at a happy family hurt him. What was that like? He only had nannies to fill in his parent’s place and no friends that were true friends. There were many nights where he drew pictures only to throw them away once he was done. He was jealous of Jonathan in this moment, of how lucky he was. 

The bell rang, signaling the end of the second period of the day and the start of lunch. He jumped in surprise when it did but made no attempt to leave the room. He wasn’t going to get lunch anyway. He hasn’t since Tuesday or on weekends. He felt at peace here. Steve let out a small smile at the realization. He was thankful that this room existed. 

His eyes wandered over to the edge and saw two pictures of himself. It was strange, seeing himself from a different perspective. One showed him when he was still at the top of the school. He was smiling, there was a light in his eyes, he looked clean, and not so thin. The one next to it must’ve been taken recently because this one had him curled in on himself, cheekbones being highlighted by the shadows, looking around with a scared and haunted awareness.

His serenity was broken by the door opening and the lights shifting from red to a blinding white. He whipped around and saw Jonathan staring back at him. Steve felt himself curling in like the picture and hastily started apologizing.

“I-I’m sorry, Jonathan. I-I’ll just leave…” he said, hating the way his voice sounded for not speaking in a long time.

He started walking out but was stopped by Jonathan sticking his arm out.

“No. It’s fine. You can stay.”

Steve looked at the younger teen, scanning his face for any lie. He didn’t see one so he silently nodded. Jonathan put his arm down and went to do what he originally came to do. Steve still felt like he wasn’t welcome but still stayed. Jonathan placed his bag on an empty table and took out a lunch sack. He turned to see Steve standing in the same place and pointed to his lunch.

“You want to eat something?”

Steve made eye contact for a split second before saying, “N-no. I shouldn’t take any of your food.”

He was looking at the ground when half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich appeared in his vision. He looked up to a smiling Jonathan and hesitantly took it.

“I offered, didn’t I?”

Steve gave a small smile in return and took it. It seemed pathetic that the sandwich was the best thing he has tasted since the seventeenth. He paused in that first bite at that thought. But he pushed it aside and almost inhaled the sandwich. He didn’t notice Jonathan watching him do all of this. He wasn’t sure what to make of Steve’s actions but it got him worried. He knew how the former bad boy was treated at school now but these ones that were being shown didn’t sit right. He knew that he shouldn’t bring that topic up right now so decided to speak of something else.

“So… you like my pictures?”

Steve looked at him then the pictures. “Yeah… they’re… really,  _ really _ good.”

“Thank you.”

Jonathan bit into an apple when Steve walked up to the pictures containing people and said, “Your mom’s really pretty. Don’t worry, I’m not being a creep, just giving a compliment.”

“I wasn’t thinking that but thank you. Most people just call my mom weird but she’s the best mom anyone could ask for.” Jonathan said, walking over to stand by the junior.

“I bet…”

Jonathan noticed the somber mood in Steve. Being a photographer who constantly observes people, he saw the pain in Steve’s eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the bell. Steve kept glancing between Jonathan and the floor before saying, “Thank you for the sandwich. And being a friend.”

With that, he walked out to endure his classmates’ tormenting. Jonathan looked at the open door with a sense of loss before turning to pack his lunch away.


End file.
